mom prepared an omellete. told her to pack lunch with bread. brunch in the office instead.

don’t have lotion anymore. mom still have some. she’ll realize i need a new bottle. she’ll buy  one for me i guess. been a week in her ration.
pressed powder is running out. we’ll use talc tomorrow. not bad on my oily face though.
pants already loose. feet with callus. wont buy till bonus.
passed by the street. forgot to greet. a familiar face i met.
got into the cab. unconcerned about who is the jock. just get me to my lab.
declining attendance at the bash the second time around
wont even come to Therese this time when she needed a breeze
got to sleep by midnight or when already sapped
will have to miss the partol again. or when a star confesses her pain
wont miss the news today. they tell me tomorrow anyway.

now my schedule is open…….have i missed anything?

now, it makes me feel anxious that
i still don’t know my “self” very well. or putting it in the context of
accuracy of events that i did not want to know my “self”. i was circumventing
the common self-help and relationship prescription of self-knowledge. to know
my “self” inside a relationship (be it in my family, among my friends, at work,
in my community, or in relation to any
other known entity) exposed my deficient capabilities of performing my
responsibilities and obligations within the relationship which was the most dreadful thing to realize. instead, what should
be done was the foremost thing in my mind. expectations are hard to meet,
happiness is elusive, being successful is abstract and satisfaction is
conditional. with career, future and relationships at stake and little time to
spare, my “self” was the most terrible thing to have confidence with. with failure
and sadness being apparent, i was apprehensive of continually knowing what more
I am flawed about. i knew i was selfish, hot tempered, ill-mannered, domineering,
nagging, insensitive, unsympathetic, unruly, insecure, unforgiving, assuming,
perfectionist, close-minded, obsessive-compulsive, condescending person or am capable of such attitudes. relying on my personal judgment,
such attitude could burst into unimaginable episodes with the proper
conditions. to avoid humiliation and scarred reputation, i arrested such things
from happening by adapting civil and acceptable decorum. putting off the
outrage inside my mind despite a mild gesture of disgust that can be seen by
the way my eyebrows were lined up. or commenting positively on a repulsive behavior
just to evade confrontation. or accepting an obligation beyond my comprehension
and capacity. i deceived myself of the unlimited boundaries a mind can perceive. my resulting behavior got entangled in my
confusion if it was me reacting or just plain acting. i would have guilt ridden
conscience every time these two collided. weighing which one justified the
pervading behavior made me question even more, "sinong niloloko ko? sila o ako?