now, it makes me feel anxious that
i still don’t know my “self” very well. or putting it in the context of
accuracy of events that i did not want to know my “self”. i was circumventing
the common self-help and relationship prescription of self-knowledge. to know
my “self” inside a relationship (be it in my family, among my friends, at work,
in my community, or in relation to any
other known entity) exposed my deficient capabilities of performing my
responsibilities and obligations within the relationship which was the most dreadful thing to realize. instead, what should
be done was the foremost thing in my mind. expectations are hard to meet,
happiness is elusive, being successful is abstract and satisfaction is
conditional. with career, future and relationships at stake and little time to
spare, my “self” was the most terrible thing to have confidence with. with failure
and sadness being apparent, i was apprehensive of continually knowing what more
I am flawed about. i knew i was selfish, hot tempered, ill-mannered, domineering,
nagging, insensitive, unsympathetic, unruly, insecure, unforgiving, assuming,
perfectionist, close-minded, obsessive-compulsive, condescending person or am capable of such attitudes. relying on my personal judgment,
such attitude could burst into unimaginable episodes with the proper
conditions. to avoid humiliation and scarred reputation, i arrested such things
from happening by adapting civil and acceptable decorum. putting off the
outrage inside my mind despite a mild gesture of disgust that can be seen by
the way my eyebrows were lined up. or commenting positively on a repulsive behavior
just to evade confrontation. or accepting an obligation beyond my comprehension
and capacity. i deceived myself of the unlimited boundaries a mind can perceive. my resulting behavior got entangled in my
confusion if it was me reacting or just plain acting. i would have guilt ridden
conscience every time these two collided. weighing which one justified the
pervading behavior made me question even more, "sinong niloloko ko? sila o ako?