Maybe most of you have experienced that when you are anticipating something big to happen, especially when it is a culmination of a milestone in your life, something towards that day warns you to be extra careful or you may not get there alive. Something about travelling, scares the heck of you, especially when the driver tries to overtake and you think he is carelessly speeding you up to your death. Something about doing a certain thing inappropriately, brings about your anxiety  that you think it might cause an untimely accident.

The things that normally do not matter to you are magnified into immense proportions that usually affect your behavior only within that period of anticipation. Your senses are surprisingly keen and your judgment are biasedly anchored towards that anticipated event. And you think that the events are all leading to the scene where you are at the center stage.

That was the only moment that you think your life mattered afterall.

i actually wrote this note at exactly 4:46 A.M.
that’s what the clock in room says
my brother’s wrist watch is at 4:32 A.M.
i found it on top of the computer rack
it’s 4:59 A.M. on the clock at our living room
the kitchen clock is at 4:46 A.M.
same with the clock in my mom’s room.
but the watch i am using to wake me up and tells me to go to office is already at 5:03 A.M.
what time is it in the office?

10:30 in the evening

when i came in this morning, my watch is 30 minutes early than the time in the office.
no wonder i cant seem to figure out our daily MTP A.M. schedule.

cos when i get to the pick-up area, the jeepney is not there yet.
maybe i was too early or too late

Ma’am Boot’s…ano gani oras dira sa imo?

(this was before the MTP pick-up point for Polomolok route was transferred near Joel A.’s house.)

I am not sure if you were able to catch Stranger than Fiction on HBO which was showing during the Holy Week. I myself was not able to see the full movie as I was doing the laundry during the day and ironing at night even though there were replays of the movie. Despite this i was able to appreciate the parts of the movie in terms of its significance in my life.

I am not hearing voices narrating my life but like Harold Crick, I have a lonely life. I am not about to die but like him who gave in in the end to the author’s literary skill of ending his life, i would also be willing accept the fate in the same case.

I would like to believe that my life is written by someone preferably a literary genius whose works are into a certified box office tragedy hit movie. I would like to believe that my
actions were according his conscious character design and the situations i am in are his creative plot. (Damn, can’t he find a better story to write? I want comedy.) And that whatever i do or not do are only in concurrence to his storyline. I have that feeling because at times i wanted to
do something counter to the situation at hand, i would be having a difficult time doing so. Also, at times i find myself not feeling the appropriate emotion in some situations. Maybe he overlooked that part to write anything about it.

I remember about a month ago when a friendly chat went through with Joel A. and Nino about destiny. Nino asked, "which would you prefer, follow your heart or accept your destiny?" This was actually  a soul searching question as he was wrestling some issues about his life, love life and career.

Frankly, i prefer following my destiny. That way i would not have myself blamed for whatever outcome. And also, acceptance would be much less hard as something out of your control becomes the ultimate conciliatory reason. I don’t enjoy justifying the good things and bad things in my life (especially the bad things) nor explaining what went wrong.

Anyway, enough with the musings. It was actually hilarious when your supposed councilor (Professor Hilbert in the movie) is agreeing with you and even entices you to find out your genre. I would not be anything than tragedy. I could surely pin down a long list before it would be even lunch time. (Sometimes i would even feel afraid to be happy because somewhere, somehow, sadness is lurking.)

That would explain it. I am not crazy. I am just written that way.