I am not sure if you were able to catch Stranger than Fiction on HBO which was showing during the Holy Week. I myself was not able to see the full movie as I was doing the laundry during the day and ironing at night even though there were replays of the movie. Despite this i was able to appreciate the parts of the movie in terms of its significance in my life.

I am not hearing voices narrating my life but like Harold Crick, I have a lonely life. I am not about to die but like him who gave in in the end to the author’s literary skill of ending his life, i would also be willing accept the fate in the same case.

I would like to believe that my life is written by someone preferably a literary genius whose works are into a certified box office tragedy hit movie. I would like to believe that my
actions were according his conscious character design and the situations i am in are his creative plot. (Damn, can’t he find a better story to write? I want comedy.) And that whatever i do or not do are only in concurrence to his storyline. I have that feeling because at times i wanted to
do something counter to the situation at hand, i would be having a difficult time doing so. Also, at times i find myself not feeling the appropriate emotion in some situations. Maybe he overlooked that part to write anything about it.

I remember about a month ago when a friendly chat went through with Joel A. and Nino about destiny. Nino asked, "which would you prefer, follow your heart or accept your destiny?" This was actually  a soul searching question as he was wrestling some issues about his life, love life and career.

Frankly, i prefer following my destiny. That way i would not have myself blamed for whatever outcome. And also, acceptance would be much less hard as something out of your control becomes the ultimate conciliatory reason. I don’t enjoy justifying the good things and bad things in my life (especially the bad things) nor explaining what went wrong.

Anyway, enough with the musings. It was actually hilarious when your supposed councilor (Professor Hilbert in the movie) is agreeing with you and even entices you to find out your genre. I would not be anything than tragedy. I could surely pin down a long list before it would be even lunch time. (Sometimes i would even feel afraid to be happy because somewhere, somehow, sadness is lurking.)

That would explain it. I am not crazy. I am just written that way.

I don’t know what came to me but this is not something strange in my case. I usually have this compulsion to do something right away and finish it immediately . Otherwise, i would not know when to do it again as the same motivation scarcely recur.

Sometimes acting on it is too premature a move. Which in some case i would prefer not doing anything about it until another round of spirit-filled out of body experience. Which as mentioned, is a statistical improbability. But at the back of it, my lack of action is only a manifestation of my  ineptitude.

This time, i took a plunge. I just have to do this for reasons i cannot fathom right now. Maybe in some "posts" in the future i will reflect on this and tell you about it.
I just have to tell you of the four great books i have read over this Lenten vacation.
I call this set of books "Books I Should Have Read Instead of Nancy Drew Mystery Stories".

I have to mention the significance of these books in relation to the Nancy Drew Mystery Stories. All of you can relate with me, especially those bookworms who are scoring attendance to become the Book Lovers of the Month. We got our pretty mechanical pens for going to the library and borrowing books the most number of times. The staple for us way back then were Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys Mystery Stories. I don’t have the correct data, but it might be that there were a hundred books for these mystery series. I can barely count more than my hands for the stories i have read but I know Remy, Marose and Karmen might have read almost all of it and can even recall up to now some sleuthing details of the character’s adventure. (Sorry sa iba, di ko maalala eh!).

The height of this "book mania" was in our later elementary days on the way to Junior years. I can still remember when i was in 2nd year high school finishing up the story before cramming on my notes for the following days exam. After the exam, another book was awaiting to be devoured.

If only then, Ate Adora Balili was my acquaintance and have shared her books with me earlier, I could have matured early in life. If these books were available back then, i could have poured the same passion as the sleepless nights i have with Nancy Drew. Without much further ado, these are the books i should have read when i was in high school:
     I Kissed Dating Goodbye                        by Joshua Harris
    Boy Meets Girl                                            by Joshua Harris
    When God Writes your Love Story            by Eric and Leslie Ludy
    Not Even a Hint                                                by Joshua Harris

I am not in authority to elaborate on this as i am afraid i might distort the message. It would be cliche also to tell you that it is not what you think it is. Cos you would only realize that when you are already half way through. I even had a different view of the book before i read it. I thought it was the life long answer to my NBSB status and the emotional meltdown along with it. It was more than i think it is. And i recommend these to be part of the Religion curriculum or Values Education. This is a good preparatory course for a freedom-enriched college life.

Well, even if i have read this when i was already on the verge of single blessedness, the impact is still not reduced. And i am confident it will have on you too. If not for you, for your little ones whose going to be definitely on the same journey of questions we have been through.

It is not sleuthing skills we need in life as what Nancy Drew stories would impart. It is the skill that makes God the center of our lives that we need to develop.

Note: I will be returning the books to Ate Adora after two weeks. If you want to borrow the book, just inform me. I will ask Ate Adora for you. 

how ridiculous it was back when my pay check already had a little extra for small indulgence when i thought of buying wine, i brought to the counter 4 vodka teasers (peche, fraise, citron and cassis) and 1 vodka cruiser (guava). these are alcoholic sodas or premixed drinks intended for binge drinking sessions. i did not intend to throw a bash during that time of the year. nor was i capable of spending guiltlessly huge amount of money. i thought at that time that it was the most spectacular choice knowing from my first encounter with Vodka and Tequila in my college days.

after that fateful event, i assigned the task of buying wine to my mom and my brothers. I bet my brothers have good taste since they may have more drinking sprees than i have ever experienced. or mindfully, they can take in more liquor into their body than i can ever imagine inside my throat.

every christmas, my mom has this habit of buying cheap wine. it’s the only time of the year we have extra in our pockets and have reason to spend guiltessly. pretentiously, we would think we had made an outstanding choice based on the shape of the bottle, the artistry of the label and the more foreign sounding the words on the label, the better it is.  price was not much an indicator since the range we can afford do not much vary (P350 or less).

however, for five years now, i still have not gotten any marvelous palate experience with wine. there is that anticipated frustration everytime i open a bottle and do my first sip. it does not in anyway comply to the usual claim that it complements the taste of the food taken with it. instead, it becomes another beer-after-dinner session with my brothers while tumbling the bottle up.

until i had a taste of the the red muscat. it would not have been a surprise if i had  known this is a semi-sweet wine, a taste i have been longing for. it was even fantastic when my brother paired the red muscat with grilled pork, chicken and fish. the taste of barbecue, spices and the sweetness of the wine made our simple christmas meal into a delectable treat, something unforgettable to the palate.

after then, our confidence in choosing wine was elevated. when new year came, i didn’t know what went up in my mom’s mind that she bought a blush wine, a casual white wine (luscious peach) and of course the tested and proven red muscat all at the same time. she kept telling us that we should not drink them as it was for display purposes only. uhuh!..tell that to my brothers and that will entice them to glut even more.still not satisfied, my brother bought also a cabernet sauvignon intended for his buddies for an after midnight spree.

with the experience we had lately with red muscat, the anticipation of a better tasting food with wine engulfed as as we opened the blush wine with "menudo", spaghetti and grilled boneless bangus on the table. not much a feast for a new year celebration. anyway, the wine, made up the ambiance we perceive of a celebration would be. not to our disappointment, the "menudo" was a great pair for the blush wine. the mocha cake was even more mouth watering with a drink from it.

we thought the red muscat will do it’s magic again. but the food served with it wasn’t a perfect match. that is why it was shunned for a while…

before midnight, my brother’s drinking buddies came. there was only one. he is our neighbor who is an architect reviewing for his board exam this coming year. as planned, the cabernet sauvignon came out of the cabinet. although i did not sit with them to empty the bottle, a hefty dose on a sleek tulip shaped wine glass was served to me by my brother while i was doing on my solitary reading in our terrace. twas not the time to devour another meal to accompany the wine. the dinner we had was still lingering in my stomach. then came the sip. a sip that nothing more but heated up my throat and made me grapple for water as the flavor came on strong. not another drink came after that. i gave the cup back to my brother.

had i known the carbernet sauvignon be mixed up with a merlot, my experience with it would have been different. i could have waited until April when i could afford a merlot bottle and prove the text. now, with that anticipation, i have to budget for the two.

i dont know if our experience is similar with other people who embrace that thrill of wine tasting. i am sure those who do enjoy wine and are expert with it find it funny and ridiculous. what is there to loose? we get to be excited having chosen a wine for a particular meal and found a perfect match, get frustrated once in a while, and share the experience, which will be a nice topic to discuss with family and friends over dinner. CHEERS!!!

mom always tells me that i never get to finish anything that i started.
she’s uncontested being right all the time about it. try to ask her of all the gadgets i have brought home trying to convince her of an artistic outcome of it when after a mood swing, worthless crap piles up.

i always convince my self that it’s not me who’s to blame. it is the personality that i am born with as predestined by the stars and signs. i tell my self that it is a systemic way of the elements of the universe conniving to follow the natural patterns of existence.

many a times have i tried overturning that belief knowing that such things should be discounted if the full extent of the human capacity will be debated. however, even though this is unhealthy to admit, in all those attempts, the universe has a mysterious way of keeping itself attuned to its predetermined ways.

surprisingly, my human capacity is always anxious about what can’t be done. and the idea of loosing to a hypothetical design of human behavior is disheartening.

its already 2008. i need to start turning the piles up. i need to finish this or else… i will be another oblivious suspect of a passive nonresistance.

mom prepared an omellete. told her to pack lunch with bread. brunch in the office instead.

don’t have lotion anymore. mom still have some. she’ll realize i need a new bottle. she’ll buy  one for me i guess. been a week in her ration.
pressed powder is running out. we’ll use talc tomorrow. not bad on my oily face though.
pants already loose. feet with callus. wont buy till bonus.
passed by the street. forgot to greet. a familiar face i met.
got into the cab. unconcerned about who is the jock. just get me to my lab.
declining attendance at the bash the second time around
wont even come to Therese this time when she needed a breeze
got to sleep by midnight or when already sapped
will have to miss the partol again. or when a star confesses her pain
wont miss the news today. they tell me tomorrow anyway.

now my schedule is open…….have i missed anything?

now, it makes me feel anxious that
i still don’t know my “self” very well. or putting it in the context of
accuracy of events that i did not want to know my “self”. i was circumventing
the common self-help and relationship prescription of self-knowledge. to know
my “self” inside a relationship (be it in my family, among my friends, at work,
in my community, or in relation to any
other known entity) exposed my deficient capabilities of performing my
responsibilities and obligations within the relationship which was the most dreadful thing to realize. instead, what should
be done was the foremost thing in my mind. expectations are hard to meet,
happiness is elusive, being successful is abstract and satisfaction is
conditional. with career, future and relationships at stake and little time to
spare, my “self” was the most terrible thing to have confidence with. with failure
and sadness being apparent, i was apprehensive of continually knowing what more
I am flawed about. i knew i was selfish, hot tempered, ill-mannered, domineering,
nagging, insensitive, unsympathetic, unruly, insecure, unforgiving, assuming,
perfectionist, close-minded, obsessive-compulsive, condescending person or am capable of such attitudes. relying on my personal judgment,
such attitude could burst into unimaginable episodes with the proper
conditions. to avoid humiliation and scarred reputation, i arrested such things
from happening by adapting civil and acceptable decorum. putting off the
outrage inside my mind despite a mild gesture of disgust that can be seen by
the way my eyebrows were lined up. or commenting positively on a repulsive behavior
just to evade confrontation. or accepting an obligation beyond my comprehension
and capacity. i deceived myself of the unlimited boundaries a mind can perceive. my resulting behavior got entangled in my
confusion if it was me reacting or just plain acting. i would have guilt ridden
conscience every time these two collided. weighing which one justified the
pervading behavior made me question even more, "sinong niloloko ko? sila o ako?